Wanted: Stay-at-Home-Homeschooling-MOM

Wanted:
Woman in mid 30's to raise, nurture, and teach 3 young children.
Experience Needed:  None. On-the-job training provided (by yourself)
Pay:  $ 0

*Applicant will be able to cook (passably) healthy meals, clean the home (at least when company is coming), coordinate everyone's schedules, chauffeur children to multiple activities, and be involved in said activities.
*Applicant must be able to Band-Aid a cut too small to see, ice-pack a non-existent bump on the forehead, kiss a scraped knee, and enforce "no blood, no problem" policy.
*Applicant must be impervious to whining, begging, and shouts of  "you're just not being fair to me!", or "You never let me have any fun!"
*Applicant must be very patient during spontaneous games of 20 million questions - and be able to come up with clever answers.
*Applicant must be proficient in elementary math and reading.  (Grammar rules are conveniently explained in workbooks).
*Applicant must convincingly fake enthusiasm for elementary science bug projects.
*Applicant must not then become daunted by year-end shouts of, "I don't LIKE school!"
*Applicant must have desire for children to know of God's love, and to teach children to show God's love to others through actions and words.  This includes treatment of siblings.
*Applicant must be emotionally available at all times.  Even when emotionally unstable herself, or at inopportune times.... such as the middle of the night.... multiple times per night.

** This is also an investment opportunity!
Initial investment:  Everything you have
ROI:  Immeasurable.  Will see ROI in 20-25 years.

If interested, please contact Britt.  She is considering taking a 1 year LOA on a non-disclosed tropical island.

(Of course I do NOT wish to give up being mother to my 3 wonderful children.
And this is in no way a slam against work-outside-the-home moms, or those who do not homeschool)