Tips from 12 Years of Marriage

This past Sunday Dan and I celebrated 12 years of marriage! 
One woman commented on my FB page, "You're off to a great start"  (She's been married 46 years!)
Do you realize the current divorce rate is 33% ?!? 
Even in the Christian community.  One-in-three marriages will end in divorce.

While I don't consider myself a marital wisdom expert, I am reaching a point that I need to follow Titus 2:4.   "[older women] train the younger women to love their husbands..."  Perhaps if more of us in good, healthy relationships spoke up, together we can reverse that ugly statistic above.

Tips from 12 Years of a Happy Marriage.  (From a Wife's perspective)

1) Go in to marriage believing it is a life-contract. 
Shortly after Dan and I first wed, we attended a marriage seminar.  The pastor spoke from 13 years of marriage experience and I wondered what it would be like when Dan and I reached 13 years.
Did you catch that?  I wondered what it would be like when - not if.   Sure, a lifetime committment is scary.  I admit to a couple panic attacks that first year of marriage, thinking, "What have I done?  I can't just break-up with him!  This is a marriage.  A sacred covenant between Dan, me, and God!" 

2) Respect Your Husband       ".... and the wife must respect her husband."  Ephesians 5:33
Notice the period.  The verse doesn't read, "Respect him if he does the dishes, if he tells you how beautiful you are, if he makes lots of money". 
Respect is defined as i)giving paticular attenion to (consideration) or b) a high or special regard (esteem).
In all my thoughts and actions I should consider Dan.  What would show him special regard?  I admit I fall short on this one.  Too often I find myself chatting with girlfriends and before I know it, I'm complaining how Dan didn't buy me this, or Dan has yet to do chores ABC on my honey-do list.  Or maybe it is in front of the kids I Husband Respect FAIL.  I try not to, but it happens. I'll "correct" him and belatedly realize, that underminded his authority as the head of our household. 
I need to build him up - not tear him down.... especially in front of others.

3) Outserve your Husband.
All too often I fall in the trap of, "Why isn't Dan doing "X" for me?!?
First, that's a recipe for discontent.  I need to focus on the postive.  All the things Dan does do for me.
Secondly, I don't really want to step on the balancing scales of what "he does" versus  "I do".  Dan will win.
Serving is an act of love.  I love my husband.  Therefore I should want to serve him.  Little things like packing his lunch.  Making sure the kids pick up their yard toys before he mows.  Bringing in the trash cans.  Massaging his shoulders when late at night he mentions how sore they are.... just after I've gotten comfy and I am SO tired I just want to go to sleep!
I need to worry about my end of the service bargain - not Dan's.

4) Date Nights.  Every Week.
No Money?  No problem.  A date night can be as simple as playing a game, watching a DVD, going for a walk.  Sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.  The key?!?!  No kids.  Hiring a babysitter and going out on the town is wonderful and should be done as often as financially possible... but it is not necessary.   There is a reason God invented early bedtimes for children.  Even if the kids have to read for an hour in their bedroom.  Do what it takes to ensure you and your spouse have regular alone time to re-connect as adults.  As friends.  As romantically interested friends-plus.  ;)

There are others I've left off this list.  There is so much, in fact, that entire books have been written on marriage. 
I highly recommend "5 Love Languages" and "Love and Respect" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

I can't end this post until I mention how much I love my husband.  Dan loves God, is honest, trustworty, and faithful.  He provides financially.  He treats me with kindness, gentleness, and never belittles me.  He helps around the house and is active in raising our 3 children. 
Sure, he has his faults.  (I mentioned that honey-do list, didn't I?)
Dan isn't perfect ........ but neither is his wife  :)

Interaction:
What are your must-know marriage tips???? 
Afterall, I'm only 12 years into this thing.... and I'd like to make it another 66+.

"Me Time" Follow Up

Thanks to those of you who repsonded with what relaxes you.
What I would like to discuss, though, are the following two comments:

1) You must have the support of your husband to make me time.
Absolutely.
Lord willing, your (general term to all reading this) husband loves you and wants what is best for you. And that means having some relaxing time. Just you time. If you don't, you are bound to get all tightened up - only to come unraveled on your spouse, your children, and/or your friends (or go crazy). It really is in his best interest to help you make time to relax.

And what if your husband's love language is acts of service? (something more "to do") He likes the dishes done and laundry put away and homecooked meals? By all means, try demonstrating your love of him by doing these things on a regular basis.
But if what speaks love to you is having 1 night a week that is pizza on paper plates night so there's no supper prep or clean up so you can scrapbook .... well, then out of love, he should be willing to accept that 1 night a week there will not be a 5 course meal. (please note that is exagerated. I personally only prepare 4 course meals - whle wearing my pearl necklace and high heels ;)
Or perhaps after talking with your husband you agree that twice a month, instead of doing housework that day, you will spend all day sewing. Please expect the house to be a mess that day, honey.
Make sense?

2) .....what happens if you've actually lost yourself.?........What if you've forgotten what it is that rejuvinates you?
Wow. Very honest. Thanks for sharing this.
I think we as women can so easily get caught up in making sure our spouse and children are happy, that we forget what makes us happy.
(Does it truly make me happy to go on a play date to McDonalds? No. Fun, and better than cleaning my toilets at home, but not relaxing or rejuvenating)

My advice if you have forgotten what rejuvenates you is:
First: Think back to pre-married / pre-kids days. I know that seems an eternity ago, but stretch your brain and try. What did you do if you had the afternoon off work? If you were feeling down, what did you do to cheer yourself up? What activity gave you the warm-fuzzies for hours just thinking about how much fun you had?
Second: What are your current interests? What do you like to talk about with your friends? Is there something you always thought would be fun to try, but keep pushing it off because you don't have time? (learning a musical instrument? taking karate? Taking a cooking class? Learning to crochet? Writing a book? mountain biking? video games?)
And then? Discuss with your spouse ways to re/introduce that "thing" into your current life.

You know what?
I don't truly think that remembering what makes us happy is the real problem, though.
I think we feel guilty for indulging. For spending the time or money cost of that "thing".
If we aren't being productive and working towards crossing off our to-do items, we feel guily.
If we spend time focused on us, instead of our husband or kids, we feel guilty.
If we spend money we could have taken the kids to McDonalds with, we feel guilty.
While we should not be selfish with our money or time,
sometimes spending a little on ourselves is actually investing in our loved ones.
You know the old addage: If Mama aint happy, aint nobody happy?

Yes, yes, I know the scripture references for not being like the sluggard, but be like the ants; or the Prov 31 woman who doesn't let her light go out at dark; or the reference to not grow weary of doing good works; etc.. etc.. etc...

But remember that God also commands us to REST.

*God created the world in 6 days, and on day 7 - He RESTED. (Genesis 2:1-3)
(that is once a week, ladies!)
*Remember the Sabbath? - Commandment #4 ? (Exodus 20:8-11)
*And finally, please look up Matthew 11:28-30 in your Bibles.
Christ bids all who are weary and burdened to come to Him, and He will give us rest.

That is a nice stopping point for today. A nice bridge to my next post on starting the day off with God.

May God Bless each of us as we try to balance our work, family, friend, and self time!

Two Bin System

Hello Ladies,
Nothing heavy today, just a discussion on something inventory managers refer to as "the Two Bin System" I know that sentence probably seems oxy-moronic, but really - it's simple.
Basically it means that for any given inventory item, (let us call it widget A) a company uses two bins (hence the name) for storage of Widget A.
When the first bin is empty, it is time to reorder Widget A so it is received before the second bin is depleted and the company runs out of Widget A.

I personally operate on a two bin philosophy for many household items.
Things such as flour, wine, toothpaste, and toilet paper are all good examples.
I hate deciding to finally bake a batch of homemade cookies (once in a blue moon) and realize I only have a 1/2 cup of flour left in my flour tupperware. When this does happen, I can relax becuase I know that since I operate on a 2 bin system, there is a 5 lb bag of flour nestled in the back of my pantry.
I think it is obvious why I utilize the 2 bin system for toilet paper. :)

ANYWAY,
I thought I operated on the 2 bin system for shaving cream as well.
Must have forgotten to put it on the list.
So what is a girl to do when realizing "Wow! My husband gets home tonight from a 10 day business trip and..... yep.... haven't shaved the legs for at least that long!" So like a dutiful and loving wife I hop in the shower. Only to realize I am OUT of my raspberry, girly scented shaving cream? I think "No problem. 2 bin system."
Nope. No girly shaving cream to be found - anywhere. :(
I did however find an old canister of my husband's manly scented Edge shaving cream.
Nothing else for it, so I laughed as I lathered and thought "Great! I'm trying to catch my husband by smelling like a man!"
Fortunately, the story ended well. You see, Dan doesn't have the best nose, and with liberal amounts of perfume applied to my neck and wrists...... well, I guess he just didn't get around to smelling my legs! ;)
So Wifely tip for the day, Ladies???
Add Girly Shaving Cream to your Two Bin system.......
At least if your husband is a leg-sniffer, that is :)