Do you ever feel as if everything is spinning a bit out of control? That you can do nothing right? That everything is against you and you have to wonder if God truly is for you? Do you ever doubt the effectiveness of prayer or the goodness of God?
That is where I have been lately. And I can't really put it all on this blog as to everything that is bugging me and getting me down. But after talking with a couple good friends, pouring my heart out to my wonderful husband (who had to first endure a 2-year-oldish fit from, well, his adult wife).
Oh - and finally, I was ready to go before my Father in heaven and pour my heart out to Him Who made me. HE who is outside of time and space. The creator of everything. I should have went to God first, but I knew Who would win that rumble. Puny little, fit-throwing, selfish, prideful me was gonna have to kneel before my God - literally- and beg forgiveness. Yes, I knew God always waits with loving open arms and forgiveness. But I wanted to wallow in my anger and self-pity a bit.
And I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep going on as a "good" Christian. Being a good Christian is hard work. It is selfless. It is patient. It is generous. It loves all. And love bears all things - with a "let God's will be done" mentality. It's giving up control. It's admitting (to oneself) that God does know better than my little human mind can comprehend. It's like a one year old thinking they could beat a grand master in chess.
(I am neither - but I act like the former).
Then God brought to mind the great enemy - Satan. Who seeks to devour and destroy. To seek out those whom he can crush, ruin, or at least cripple enough to quit the race.
I don't want to be a quitter. Not for me. Not as an example for my children. Not for my God's Glory.
So finally this morning I got up early and poured out my heart to God. Not just talking abot it to others, or throwing cursory short prayers heavenward. Basically I gutted my soul. I had to. Putting patches on just wasn't working any more. The problem/s weren't external. IT was internal.
And IT = Pride.
Pride - too proud to admit God is in control and knows best. Even when I can't see it.
Pride - I can do it all. On my own human power.
Pride - Don't want to admit I am failing at basic relationships (being a good Mom, wife, friend,etc...) because my relationship with God is self-imposed severed rigth now.
Pride - I am better than others and deserve more. Why shouldn't I focus on my 'needs'?
Pride - I just questioned God's goodness - and in the process threw a royal temper tantrum. Will He forgive me?
So - kinda heavy today. But that is where I've been. I say been, because, PRAISE GOD, where I am now is on the other side of the great soul gutting. Confession has been made.
I am forgiven. I am loved by God. I am a child of a GOOD God. I am human and going to fail on my own power. I am (with God's help) re-committed to getting up early to spend time at my Father's feet. The source of all love, goodness, grace, mercy, and power I need to live this life.
I am, through the blood of Christ, connected to THE I AM.
Praise God from Whom all belssings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
"It's giving up control."
ReplyDeleteI think that's the hardest part for me. I like to hold on to as much as I can, which is silly really. But that doesn't stop me from trying sometimes.
Thanks for sharing, Britt. This kind of honesty is what needs to be out there.
Yah - at the end there I focused on "pride". But that is just because it encompasses control. Trust me - Control is a LARGE chunk of my pride issues! :)
ReplyDeleteBritt - thanks for this post. I could relate to all of it. It is hard sometimes to let God be in control - because I know so much better than He does - hahaha. Will we ever learn? Again - thanks for writing this, I needed to hear it. Thanks for letting the Holy Spirit speak through you to remind me of who God is. Hope you have a blessed week!
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