empathy: the action of understanding, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another without having those feelings, thoughts, experiences fully communicated in an explicit manner. (Websters)
Oh. My Bad.
I thought empathy gave me the right to jump in a conversation and tell my similar story.
I'm not sure how I got the notion telling my stories = empathy. I guess I thought empathy meant being able to relate to someone through a similar experience. Sympathy just means you feel sorry for someone, but empathy means you've lived it yourself. You feel that person's pain. So when a friend tells her story, I jump in with my similar one to show that I can relate. I know what their going through.
The problem with my view? I start listening to other people as a way to talk about me.
Shameful.
I don't think I've gone this far, but I fear it might if I don't stop:
Friend: "I've had a horrible week. My husband got laid off work on Wednesday, my son is in the hospital with kidney failure, our beloved cat of 18 years died last night, and I'm 100 pounds overweight."
Britt: "Yah - I know what you mean. When Ethan was little, we had to put him on a bilirubin blanket 'cuz he was jaundice. That was tough. And two months ago our pet goldfish died. I'm surprised he lasted a year, actually. And UGH! Don't you just hate getting swimsuit ready? I do, too. If I could only lose these last 5 pounds! I'm so glad Dan still has his job. Let's pray right now about your husband finding a job, OK?"
I would like to publicly apologize to Jenny, Kim, and Kelly for being empathetic (yet again) Saturday night.
I am now aware I do this and am trying to stop. Please help me....... but be gentle. :)
important and compassionate post!
ReplyDeleteMy dear Susie,
ReplyDeletea very profound post. A very real post. So many of us "listeners" listen in order to "share" our story of compassionate understanding..instead of just listening...PERIOD! I call this the "Oprah syndrome". No matter what anyone shares on her show...no matter how awful their ordeal may be, she can always top it with her own sad sap story of "empathy"...her own ordeal. Yah...she's always got the answers for everyone, because she's been "there" at one time or another. (Right...I don't like to watch her anymore.)
So true...I think we ALL have the tendency to resort to this type of "listening" and "empathy" - it would be good if we were all as aware of it as you are. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThis is ever so true - and it really made me think!!
ReplyDeleteHey Nicole! Nice to "see" you :)
ReplyDelete